The Real and Raw Truth To Motherhood
No one can possibly relay what being a mother is really like, until you are in it. Yes, people tell you how amazing it is and they may sprinkle in a few of the trials and tribulations along the way. But, until the day of birth, it’s only conversations or words that we may or may not listen to and that we may or may not understand.
About 13 years ago, Dan and I had our first date at the Doolittles in Golden Valley after my golf lesson and talked and talked. We both had something each other needed to know before we decided if there was going to be a second date.
Dan had two little boys, AJ and Ben, who were about 7 and 8 years old at the time. He showed me pictures that melted my heart. He didn’t explicitly say this, but his point was, those kids were his life and if another person entered his life, it was imperative that person embraced those boys just the same.
I wanted kids. I was up for the task of step-mom, but I knew I wanted to also have kids of my own. For those of you that know me, it may not surprise you to know that I did say this very explicitly. If he wasn’t open to having more kids at some point, there didn’t need to be a second date.
But there was a second date, and many more after that. While integrating into AJ and Ben’s life seemed difficult at the time, I look back and have complete respect for Dan cautiously bringing me into their lives. Dan and I would golf or hang out or go on dates, but only on the days that he didn’t have the boys. I didn’t fully understand at the time because I didn’t have kids of my own, but now I get it. As a parent, you will do anything to protect your kids and if there wasn’t going to be Sarah around for the long term, there was not going to be the integration of Sarah and AJ and Ben.
Fast forward a few years and those two very precious boys, AJ and Ben, got to be a part of our wedding ceremony. I’m so lucky to be blessed with these two boys that gave me a sneak preview into motherhood.
Now recall that first date, I wanted kids of my own. But what no one tells you is that when you say you want to be a mom, you sign up for whatever comes with that. You sign up for trying with no success, you sign up miscarriages, you sign up for whatever child is born on the day of birth and you sign up for whatever that child may endure along their own life journey. There is no turning back.
But truth be told, motherhood looks completely different for me than I thought it would.
When we found out I was pregnant and it was a boy, we were ecstatic. I never went to birthing classes, I never had a birth plan, I never toured the hospital and never really did all the things I was told to do. All I remember is making a short list of the things I wanted when I was in the hospital, my bright pink Sarah robe and my bright green Lulu Lemon legwarmers…….and maybe a small bottle of champagne. Instead, I just relished the fact that I was growing a baby and I was going to be a mom. Having AJ and Ben around solidified the deal, those kids were amazing, and I knew I could do it, we could do it.
But my start to motherhood was nothing I had imagined. I imagined my water breaking at my house in the middle of the night. What I did not imagine is driving myself to the hospital because a feeling of my baby not moving turned into an emergency c-section. I imagined my husband driving me to the hospital, what I did not imagine is him at a golf event getting there right in time for the delivery. I imagined my baby being laid on my chest after delivery, what I did not imagine is my baby being whisked away because he was blue and needed to be intubated immediately. I imagined going home the next day, what I did not imagine is living in the hospital for 2 weeks and relying on family, friends, and services like the Ronald McDonald house to get us through the time in the NICU.
And then we got pregnant again, and we nearly fell off our chair, it was another boy.
I wanted at least one girl. I had conversations with myself that I would keep having kids until I had a girl. It was all I knew with having a sister and I knew I was already blessed with two amazing step-boys, AJ and Ben. I had visions of my little girl in gymnastics and following my footsteps as a cheerleader. I had visions that I would instill in her my love for running and watch her crush the 400m and the 4x400m. I would explain to her that it’s the best race to be good at, because no one else ever wants to run it! I had visions of her sharing my love for math and going into accounting or finance or actuary science. Well one might say I was a bit naïve.
Motherhood was hard. I have vivid memories of surviving a weekend when Dan was at the cabin and I was home with both kids. No one told me that it’s next to impossible to have an 18-month-old that moves/scoots, a newborn, and a mama that needs to pump every 4 hours (my babies did not like my boobs). But I did it, because moms are like superhumans. We take on more than we should and we are pretty damn good at all the things.
Caleb landed himself in the NICU when he was born because he had a heart condition called Wolff Parkinson White. It’s a condition that causes the heart to go into tachycardia at any given moment due to an extra electrical pathway. We managed that with medication but it wasn’t without difficulties. The medicine had to be administered every 8 hours, 10 am, 6 pm, 2 am. No matter how we revised the schedule, we were waking up in the middle of the night to administer meds. We did that for 4 years and got used to that. This minimized his episodes but we still found ourselves in the ED at least 2x/year when his heart rate would rise and nothing we did helped. I did not sign up for regular ED visits in motherhood, but the good news is the tachycardia always prioritized us so the Kasner Family never waited in the ED lobby (THE WORST) ……searching for the bright side here.
At about two years of age, Caleb was diagnosed with Cerebral Palsy. He missed milestones, his gait wasn’t typical and he was falling all the time. A few brain MRIs suggested (with hesitation) mild cerebral palsy. We were brought to our knees. This was not the motherhood I was talking about at that first date. My child has a disability that will cause him to have a physical impairment for life? What about running and hockey and all the athletic-related things I wanted him to do? Oh well. I embraced the new normal with sadness but acceptance of this physical disability. At least I have a child. That’s what I wanted after all, right?
But 3/28/18 is Diagnosis-day (D-day) for us. This is the day that Caleb was diagnosed with Muscular Dystrophy. Nope, this is NOT what I signed up for with motherhood. A life limiting disease that will cause my child to lose the ability to walk, eat and ultimately breathe that will take his life in the upcoming years, could be 8 years, could be 20 years. Nope, no thanks. But I don’t want turn back…. I don’t think. I told you this would be real and raw.
Six weeks later, Dunky’s D-day. Oh hell no. For sure not what I signed up for. Brought me to my knees and I could not get up for days, maybe weeks. I stared at Dunky many times after Caleb was diagnosed, convinced he did not also have this disease, but looking back, I was clearly just hanging onto some normalcy. Clinging to what I have envisioned as a mother.
But the real and raw truth of motherhood is that you sign up for what you get, and it’s hard. It’s hard with typical kids, and one may argue even harder for kids with special needs. But it’s a true test of commitment and patience to be given the title of mother to watch kids suffer through a disease knowing you will likely have to lay them to rest for eternity before you.
I can’t say I wouldn’t change a thing, because I would take Duchenne away from my kids in a heartbeat, but I learned that being a mom to all of these boys has allowed me to view life from a different lens. It’s created purpose and meaning for me that I may not have found otherwise, no matter how hard it is.
So to all the mom’s out there, you are amazing. To the mom’s out there with kids with special needs, you are not alone. Let yourself grieve the mom life that you thought you would get to have, and then embrace the beauty that you have. And know, you are one strong human, and your kid(s) are so damn lucky to have you!
May 29, 2025