2-Week Leave: What I Learned
There is no shame in realizing you need a mental pause or re-set. It took me months to finally “cave” and admit I needed some time for myself. I was afraid that people at work would think I was weak-minded. I was afraid it meant a step back in my career and that my project teams and clients would think I am not accountable. I was afraid that people who knew I was on leave without an actual physical injury, would deem me crazy. I was afraid I would receive pity. However, what I learned is that I didn’t “cave” at all. In fact, what I did was an action of power. I listened to my body and did what it needed, what I needed.
Whether you are a parent to a special needs child, are a caregiver to a parent or a fur baby, have a relationship that is hard or are single with all the stress that life brings, listen to your body and your mind and fuel it with what you need. Be true to yourself and forget about what other people will think.
We have always had a family laptop, but I bought a personal laptop that is easily transportable and will allow me to close down my work computer and easily fire up my cute, little ThinkPad to do personal tasks without the distraction of work in the background. I think this is the best thing I did during my leave for my future self and I’m so excited about it. Also, a touch screen is life changing!
I learned what I needed for a re-set and it wasn’t extravagant or over the top. It was two weeks without working hanging over my head. Completely disconnected. I literally moved my work email icon from the main ribbon of my iPhone to the last screen. It currently reads 458 emails and grows by the minute, but I haven’t opened it once. It’s probably what some people give themselves on an annual basis, but I do not. I pride myself on being plugged in and being responsive, no matter what. But that isn’t something to be prideful about, that’s actually doing more harm than good. This allowed me to give myself the ability to focus on my personal life and to focus on things I was either intentionally or unintentionally shoving under the rug. Some of my focus were tasks I was neglecting for various reasons and some of the focus was allowing myself to feel the feels, more on that below.
I allowed myself to feel my feelings. I often hear this phrase, “I’m sure work provides you with a nice distraction from reality.” I heard it enough that I started to believe it’s what it should be, and I became an expert at shifting from what would have been extreme grief to work, on a moment’s notice. I never gave myself the chance to be present with the feelings that were happening. But what I’ve found is that embracing the beauty of our reality is exactly what I need to do in order to live in the present moment. Finding ways to distract my mind isn’t doing justice to what I have, and what I have is four beautiful boys that are gorgeous and happy and perfect as they are today. My reality is that two of them are in the throws of dealing with a progressive and terminal disease. My reality is that the time I have with my boys, all four of them, is precious.
My leave was such a perfect mix of doing and relaxing, individual time and together time, tears of grief and tears of joy. A few of the things I was able to do during this leave:
Brought my boys to and from school nearly every single day.
Took post school swims on those 100 degree days.
Created a reward chart to help Caleb walk – prize stakes may bankrupt me as I let him dictate
Created September’s visual calendar…..on time!
Spent 4 amazing days with my husband
Played golf
Figured out how to get 2 wheelchairs in the back of my SUV (grateful for weather tech pet ramps)
Drank plenty of tequila high noon’s, my new favorite
Spent mid-mornings at new coffee shops
Set up my new laptop that I’m in love with
Planned play dates for my kids
Logged into a website for my kids school that I never have before (we are going on year 4) to discover report cards!
Went down waterslides, many times
Attended 7 different medical appointments
Prayed, a lot
Wrote, a lot
Went on a private flight with my hubby to WI for coffee and a hike
Went back to yoga, so good for the body and the soul
Ran many miles, such a good way for me to escape the real world
Biked many miles, mostly towing a child in our trusty Burley
Found apps to manage our medical care so others can help and follow along
Fought for wheelchairs (battle not yet won)
Picked out mulch for our newly paved sidewalk and provided encouragement for Dan to lay it down
Cleaned my personal email inbox (feels so good)
Decided to take the plunge on an accessible mini-van (swallowed my ego and am doing what I know is right for the boys and our family)
1:1 dates with my boys
And now I sit at one of my favorite establishments to finish up my leave. Thank you to Carbones for always taking in our family and accepting us as we come on that day, as every day looks different for our family. One day it feels we are singing praises and the next we have been hit with bad news.
I’ve learned so much in just two short weeks and know I will need more quality time with myself in the future. Upon my “return to work” appointment with my PCP a few days ago, my wonderful doctor looked at me and said, “you are radiant, you are living, you are smiling. And this is what we are figuring out how to keep up in the future.” So I will go back to work with my eyes wide open, allowing myself to feel the feels and take breaks when I need them. I will not feel shame in what I need, but rather feel pride in the ability to know my body and my mind.
Thank you to our village for your unwavering support.
Sarah Kasner - 9-10-23
